What not to do when someone dies

I lost a really good friend at the end of 2018. She was my mentor and ‘US Mama figure’. It was, and still is, very hard. Her daughter, sons, grandchildren, husband are all dealing with it in different ways. Days of tears, anger, denial, being a hermit, talking about it, crying and screaming.

The thing is, there are no ‘right’ ways to grieve.

I have lost many beautiful people in my life and so have my friends and family.

It interesting to see how they (and I) are dealing with it (dealing.. not a fan of that word). It’s different for each person. There should be no judgment on how each individual person works with it. If one wants to write it out and the other wants to hunker down and just close the doors on everyone for a while, that’s ok.

I have had a number of people around me that have suffered the death of a loved one. Three of them have had the loss of an adult child. Coupled with that, I have a sister and a few close friends that have lost children – womb, newborn to older. I cannot even begin to understand that grief.

And... the loss of a pet can be grievous. Some people who are not into pets might not get that and of course, it's not a human, but it is still a huge loss especially if that fur friend was your 'person'.

The one thing I will say you should never say to a grieving person is: ‘he/she is in a better place/heaven…” That might be true, and as a believer that would give me comfort, but the fact is, that person or pet is not with them. They are not in their house right now, in the today. They are not in their events, their holidays, cooking together, traveling, laughing and sharing thoughts.

Caveat here, I am in no way a physiologist or psychiatrist. No shape or form. These are just my opinions from what I have observed. I have asked people who have just lost someone and people that are miles on from the initial loss. Faith believers or not. They all mention the same thing. Don’t say that! Let the grieving person know, this is hard. This is tough. It really does.

There is also hope in the darkness.

I know I have not always done a good job in caring for a grieving friend/relative. I am being intentional, this year, to understand what a grieving person needs. The main thing I am coming up with right now, is don’t forget. Don’t forget the person who died. Don’t go about your life and forget to call or connect with that grieving person.

And talk. Talk about that person they lost. The good and fun things. The naughty things. The laughter. The tears. They still need to talk about them and keep their memories alive.

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What can you do for a grieving person today?

A small thing – a text, a little gift, a cup of tea together. Even if their loss was years ago. Let them know you care. You didn’t forget.