How to avoid being a people pleaser

5 tips to help you from people pleasing

Scenario:

Your Aunt asks you to come help her move and sort out her new house. A legitimate ask. She is old but not elderly. Everything in you wants to help, to care, to love. She is important to you. Your head is screaming "yes" even though you have a ton of things to do in your life. Your husband works all hours and she is asking you to come over just when he gets home. Your teenagers have not seen you all week. And it is a long way to drive and you haven't slept all week. But you must say yes, because you are a terrible, horrible, no good person if you say no. And she will hate you if you say no. In that moment, you realize that you are a fully fledged member of the People Pleasing Club.

I have had a tendency to people please all my life and yet at the same time being a quiet rebel - a difficult conundrum!. I hated it when people seemed disappointed in me. I felt like I had let them down and perhaps they won't like or love me. My biggest fear!

Now I am a recovering People Pleaser!

It's not wrong to please people and to love on them. Even at times to sacrifice, but as long as this doesn't become your identity and you become a PP all the time!

Here are a few pointers that might help you from being a total PP. This is what I have learnt anyways. Hope it helps you.

1. Don't immediately say Yes.

Going to repeat this. Don't say yes (or no) right away. WAIT & go to #2.

2. Buffer yourself using time

You didn't say yes right away, so give yourself some time. "I have to check with ________ (partner, spouse, roommates, parents)" or "I need to check my meetings/appointments/calendar" or "Let me think on that." Always with an ending of "I'll get back to you."

3. How does this impact your life and peace and/or try out inner circle people?

Check to see how helping or saying yes is going to impact your life, your peace. Include in this your significant people, your job, your health.

Of course, like I said before, they is always time for sacrifice as long as you are all on board.

4. Say Yes with boundaries.

These boundaries are for you. "I can come and help for 2hrs.." … then be strong and stick to that. Especially at first as you are learning to stay away from the unhealthy PP person you are getting rid of.

5. No justifying

You do not owe any explanation as to why you cannot help/do or whatever. "I am so sorry, but I am unable to help you today." That is it. You do not have to say why. You are only saying why so they won't 'dislike' you as much.

If you do say no, you can maybe offer a 'maybe' for later. "I maybe able to help on Tuesday, but I will let you know."

Some people ask, isn't that all a bit selfish saying no, or not helping someone?

That's for another post called: Selfishness v Self Care